Beautiful and Full of Chaos

She was made of all complicated things

But she always had a simplicity in the way she laughed

And that is all she ever wanted

For someone to understand her

While she was out making sense of her soul

And the handful of flowers blooming at the top of her skull

But she could not make sense of the things that were meant for her

Yet she was drawn to it all

And when she was alone

She felt like the moon

Terrified of the sky

But completely in love with the way it held the stars

It took her time

But she realized it is okay to feel as if you are strange

She is bizarre and magnificent

Beautiful and full of chaos

Both light and darkness

She is made of the same material of that of a star

And that within itself is a very strange yet incredible thing

Patient 

Maybe we aren’t meant for this 

Maybe we’re meant for something more 

So be patient with what hurts 

And smile at what you’ve learned 

The process is beautiful 

If you don’t trust it 

You’ll go through it again 

Nothing is ever lost 

But time is lost 

If it is lived more than twice 

Forgotten

You

With the sunken eyelids

And the tongue drowning in salted rims

Alcohol numbs your mouth to feel

And your heart is dressed up in foundation

Covering the cracks

You

With lips dancing in laughter and eyes

Pools of multicolored sadness

Nails painted

And hands rough and calloused

I know you are trying your hardest

You think no one notices

But I do

I notice the way you tug at your clothes

And bite your lips bone white

Until they crack

I notice the stray hairs you leave behind

So you don’t feel so forgotten

I notice when you look away to wince in the middle of conversation

Because his words slide down your heart like bullets

Yearning for a home that isn’t made of force

Time feels like nothing more than recycled memories

I know you look down at your hands

And wonder what would have happened if you kept giving him high fives for hurting you

What would have happened if you never stood up for yourself

And I’ll tell you

Yes you would have one more friend

But you would have one more friend who leaves the door open when he walks out it

He doesn’t lock the door behind him

He doesn’t care who could come in when you are sleeping

I know you’re sorry

But where is he now?

In the end

He pushed you in the ocean

And he let you drown

Maybe you were telling the truth

When you convinced yourself that he wouldn’t have

If he didn’t know you would always forgive him

But what can you do now?

They tell you to forget him instead

But you have forgotten how to not remember him

Your head sounds like nails on a chalkboard

And his laughter taunting your every move

Echoes throughout your ear drums

You bang your head against the wall to forget

But you still remember how well he played off that he loved you

Whenever he drove your head to that wall

He stripped your body of faith

And gave it to someone else

He used the lessons you taught him

To love someone else better than he loved you

You

Who hollowed out her stomach lining for him

And hasn’t been the same since

You

With acid pumping through your bloodstream like sparklers

Where do feelings go when they are forgotten?

To you

It feels like they collect dust in your abdomen

You don’t want it all to disappear

You don’t want to move on

With nothing to show for all of the time and love you invested in him

You are capable of holding onto scars

Like the stars in the sky

That take millions of years to burn out

The most massive stars can explode into supernovas

That is what he meant to you

And now your mind is a supernova

Exploding in the sky

And even when everything is going well for you

You are still sad

I see it

Every day

You stitch yourself back together

But the wound is still there

I know you feel like you are made of the remnants of fallen stars

Something that was great once but is useless now

You feel like nothing more than an outline of what you are

A skeleton of fallen dreams and memories

But did you know a tortoise can survive in the desert

By holding only one cup of water for a year

You can hold onto life when you feel as though all odds are against you

Even when you look at yourself in the mirror

And see a figure you can stick your hand through

There is a heart inside that keeps on beating

Trees don’t cry when owls carve holes inside of them

Instead they appreciate the life that thrives in their core

You are more alive than you have ever been

I wish I could make you feel more capable

But I can promise you this

Your bones are made of rubber bands

And someday you will bounce back from this

Someday you won’t think of him anymore

And you won’t have to ask yourself where feelings go when they’re forgotten

Because someday you won’t be taken out like garbage

It might not be today

Or tomorrow

But human beings have evolved to survive a lot of things

And you can survive this

You only have to want to

You only have to keep trying

And I know you can

Because you aren’t forgotten

And never will be

Gas Chromatography

Tried so hard to wait until I could distill it to see if love was real

To run it through a gas chromatography column

And point to its peak on a paper printout

But some things aren’t chemicals

Aren’t carbon-based compounds

Love is like dark matter

Like supersymmetry

Like anything whose existence can only be proven

By its effect on everything around it

The pins and needles in my arms are the proof

That fire running down my spine is the proof

The fact that I can fall asleep wrapped up in your body

When getting so close to another human being

Only used to make me uncomfortable

And writhe in the midst of a combustion

That is the proof

I Don’t Know

Do you know why you’re supposed to breathe into a paper bag when you hyperventilate

It’s because breathing occurs in response to high carbon dioxide levels

Not low oxygen

And CO2 is the byproduct of cellular respiration

So it usually goes hand in hand

But sometimes things don’t work out the way we want them to

And we have to trick our bodies to understand

And some people spend their whole lives thinking these are the same thing

Thinking just because they know what they don’t want

That they always know what they need

But the truth is

You don’t always know what’s right

Your body doesn’t either

And things aren’t as opposite as we like to think they are

There’s too much of a gray area

So many rules we’ve broken because of justifications

So many ways we’ve tricked people into believing

So many reasons

So many excuses

So many things I just don’t understand

And it feels like all of the things I thought were right are polluted by wrong

I’ve typed out seven text messages in the last two hours

But I could think of arguments against all of them so I said nothing

I read my poems five hours after I write them

And I don’t even believe in what I’m saying

Everything in my life always feels like it’s changing

And these days

I feel my abs clench with every breath I take

Because being this sad is hard work

And my whole body feels it

But I’m still here

My body doesn’t always do the right thing

And neither do I

But here we are

Still surviving

Solider

He only sees me as small

A weak and helpless thing

He’d always planned on loving a warrior

A fierce strong viking queen

But he says he loves me enough

To give up on that dream

I just wish there was a way to show him

The things he can’t see

That I am brave

A little girl who was given demons

Who haunted her every night

While most kids slept with lullabies

She stayed awake to fight

And loved with wild abandon

Until her heart got ripped in two

But she decided hardening her heart

Wasn’t the thing to do

She let herself feel the pain

The tears meant she was alive

She found the strength to soldier on

And do more than survive

When most are swallowed by the darkness

They give up the fight

It’s a dangerous messy journey

Searching for the light

The world is cold and cruel

Most hide away where it’s safe

Only the bravest fight the demons

While holding onto faith

But he never saw that

Beautiful

Beauty is undefinable

Because it is defined differently by everyone

Yet I always thought I had to be outlined by the rigid box of societal standards

But I could never check the boxes off

I tried

Trust me I tried

I wanted to be molded

Shaped and formed by other’s opinions

It didn’t feel right though

It never did

Most days I wrapped myself in a blanket

Like I was building a cocoon

To tuck myself away for weeks

Months even

So maybe then I’d see growth

Growth to escape the person I was

I wanted to lay in the grass like a fertilizer

But the green would crinkle down and brown from the turmoil inside my mind

I would sit on a rain cloud

So that my tears would be disguised as water droplets

And I wouldn’t have to hide in the shower when I ached

I tried so hard to be palatable

To be fuckable

To be accepted

To be wanted by boys

And adored by the popular girls

Which was the currency I thought I had to have as a woman

To have value

It hid a light within me

That I didn’t know was there

Until I stopped trying to be digestible for other people

I was held back by invisible rules of how a girl should be

That sometimes I wasn’t always explicitly told but somehow ingested

Yes there are much worse things in this world

But that doesn’t negate the fact that those rules stifled who I am

But I am grateful for it

Because if I had never been stifled

I wouldn’t be aware

Of how good it feels now

To be free

Some people don’t digest me

And some people find me too easy to take

But my life

And my body

And my light

Aren’t here to make those people feel comfortable

I am here

To be me

I am a breathing thing

A home with a life

I will not soften my bones

And quiet my voice

Because someone doesn’t accept my truth

Always be your truest self as loudly as you can

Exist with a thunderous roar

You are still art

Whether you are a masterpiece

Or a work in progress

Survivor

Change is constant

Everything around us is evolving

Blossoming like petals

Foraging like fires

Someone is being born

While someone is taking their last breath

Someone is falling madly in love

Whether it be with themselves

Or another

All the while

We’re stuck in our own tiny realities

But how empowering it is to step outside of ourselves

Every day we are changing

Even in the smallest of ways

Quite literally actually

Every two to four weeks

Humans shed their entire outer layer of skin

Which means we’ve become someone new

On a cellular level at least

We become someone that cruel hands have not touched

We shed the marks that they have inflicted upon us

We become someone new

So really we are not as tarnished as we believe

In fact we are more pure than we could ever even imagine

We are always healing

Changing

Evolving

Fighting

Our bodies fight for us every passing second

Even through the times we ache to seize to exist

Our bodies still fight for us

And so often we get so lost in our heads

And buried beneath our problems

That we never even take a second to just breathe

And step back to appreciate the things around us

And within us

We fall off the mountain

That took us forever to climb

And we think that it’s the death of us

But who’s to say it’s not just us being reborn

Like the phoenix

We burst into flames

And become something new

Something better

It’s time to stop letting the flames determine our ending

And instead

Realize that we are beginning again because we have survived

Burns and all

We are not victims of the world

We are survivors

Hotel

The room in my heart

That was reserved for you previously

Is no longer yours

You have to maintain it

Otherwise you get evicted

And you didn’t

So I’m sorry

But you don’t live there anymore

You gave up your residency when you checked out

It doesn’t stay in your name

Just because you ask nicely

You can’t come and go as you please

My heart is a home

Not a hotel suite

Caution

When you see warning signs

Make sure you read them

They’re telling you what dangers lie ahead

If the problems were fixed

The signs would be down

Think

Be safe

Turn your blinker on

And take the first exit home

Red flags are the brightest

Especially when they’re blowing in the wind