Misfortune

I watched the stars explode into supernovas

But really I think it was just the neurons in my brain overworked and burnt out

Swallowed into this black hole I forgot who I was

And I broke off into pixels motionless against the night sky

I didn’t know my place anymore

As I set fire to oceans and tried to make water from air

I stumbled on against the glitches

Nothing I really asked for

But was given

I went steadily into the tangled thoughts

And stood there for a while to stare at the colossal sight

Of my own mind imploding

I got lost in the silence

And forgot how to speak

I struggled to remember who I was

After those cataclysmic events

I got a present I never wanted to be gifted

No returns or exchanges

Just some misfortunate I was unfortunate enough to receive

All wrapped up with a bow

Deceiving me into opening it

Without expecting to explode

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Dear You Dear Me

All the money in the world doesn’t build happiness

You see because I’ve been built on sadness

I know this for a fact because I put up an act that all these things can mend the pain

But no amount of stuff can fix this cavity ingrained into my brain

I’ve endured more torment and suffering than you know

The trials and tribulations I’ve been put through aren’t funny like a game show

But all you see is a pretty dollar sign

Ease sipping on blush wine

I guess you have your mind made up about me

Think I’m as self-centered and shallow as the sea

Not a deep sea though, just a depthless coast

And you believe I am given pockets full of cash to boast

I don’t know what I did to make you think that I don’t know anything about hardship

That I all I do is practice staged catharsis

You assume I’m just spoiled until I’ve soiled all my human decency

That I’m oblivious to the truth and treat friendship deceitfully

I don’t know what went wrong

Why something so small had to be turned into a sad song

I wish I could show you that I would do anything

To prove to you that you mean everything

Your friendship was a gift

Sent to me when I was working the graveyard shift

In my desolated and bleakly saturated mind

Caused by repetitive torment inflicted upon me until I was blind

You say I don’t know hardship

That I don’t know what it’s like to support myself without guardship

But then I guess you don’t know me if that’s what you believe

And it breaks my heart that that’s what you perceive

You aren’t the only friend I’ve wronged

I lost myself and let myself become a stranger belonged

I had the blessing of meeting other such wonderful women

But because of my misguided attention I made a terrible decision

I know the space they had for me is now crushed and broken

But let the facts be out in the open and the truth be spoken

I love them and I never got the chance to treat them right

Because my numb eyes were stolen of their sight

By lies that were in disguise of honesty that was masked with coy flattery

I know I plea guilty to this charge of assault and battery

I wish I could go back and erase the past

Rewrite the story with them in the main cast

But for now I’ll just try to mend my unsolicited betrayal

Because life without them feels fatal

All you think is that I’m on top of the world sitting pretty on a stack

But the static in my veins crack

At the bottom of the universe I’m feeling so much weight

But it’s okay because I have money rushing in through a floodgate

Right?

People die for this

People lie for this

People suck and fuck some guy for this

Pay the toll for this

Sell their soul for this

Play the part but what’s my roll in this

I’m not built for this

All the guilt of this

And I don’t think I can deal with this

You all chalk me up as some whiney fuck

Who’s stressed by success like my life sucks

I get I know it’s such a conundrum

But you believe I just walk through people like that’s supposed to be accustom

It’s not the money I’m yearning

I don’t give a fuck about what I’ve been earning

Yes I put in hard work and each day I wake up more blessed

But out of all these people I know I’m the least to deserve this treasure chest

I don’t deserve it

I try to be perfect but I don’t know my worth

I keep looking for answers I swear I’ve been searching across the earth

But I come up short and I give up quick

Cause if I found it I think I’d be scared of it

You don’t see the scene that’s behind my machine

And I urge you to beware of the obscene

It’s an interesting dichotomy of delusional sincerity

Stirred up with my insecurity of constant uncertainty

Fueled by the generation of anxiety

The “look at me” society

Dubiety of morality

And I guess I’ll suffer silently

I’m sorry for my obsession with acceptance

But I’ll let you in on my penance

I have an ungodly fear of rejection

And I gave the women I care most about the present of dejection

My apprehension and objection is the viral infection

Of lies and contortion in place of affection

What I need is a human connection

Not a misconception of my own perception

They find my disinterest interesting

My depression a funny thing

Do you know what it feels like to be left behind

Losing everyone around you in such little time

They say it’s okay though because it’s my fault

But that only makes me feel worse that I’ve lost people that meant the world to me and erased the settings back to default

I know it’s my fault

I die everyday knowing it’s my fault

I climbed out of my head and watched myself implode

A thought without a body ought to be a shot to take a load

My brain is poisoned and I’m searching for the antidote

But every time I find it my defenses say “oh no you don’t”

But it’s fine

No really I’m fine

It’s just a matter of time

I’ll lose my mind

I’m not crazy

But as I said my sight is getting hazy

In a city never seeing that I’m dying for believing fabrications in the snow or rain or autumn leaves

Lose yourself in seasons or thieves

Not remembering that you forgot them

Knocking at my door, can’t confront them so I lock them

But I don’t mind, really, for the things I did I deserve this war crime

Because believe it or not it feels good to be forgot from time to time

So forget me

And please God forgive me

If you feel a touch underwhelmed

By all my overwhelming negativity

On a scale of ten to one

Do you hate who I’ve become?

Cause I hate who I’ve become

I’m sorry for who I’ve become

But I’m sorry I’m no longer gonna be that person

Seize

Thinking about you

That night felt like a dream

You felt like a dream

I was between you and the dock

And you were between me and the stars

That was all I could see

You and the shimmer of the cosmos

And I was in awe how little of it all mattered

The night was all beauty and wonder

Our bodies were pressing against the edges of summer

The sky swam in the water with us

When we slipped out of our clothes

And dove into the endlessness

Of the river swallowing us whole

All perfect and pure

No questions just free people floating

And we weren’t in love

But there was love in the breath in our lungs

And in the waves as they licked the shore

And in your mouth on mine

Love for the moment

Love for the act of being alive

And seizing the life in our bodies

Instructions on How to Bake Love

Prep time

About a couple of years

Serving size

Decades of heartache

Ingredients include

Two people

Or three let’s make a side of sautéed infidelity

Or four or five

Who’s counting anyway

Oh wait me

Also on the list of ingredients is

Love

Or lack there of

The steps to this recipe are

Drive love down the highway there and back

Five hours each way and love runs out of gas

And burns holes in your pockets

Put love on a plane

Then you are lovesick

Send love through the phone

And it gets caught in the twisted wires around birds’ ankles

Pack up love and bring it to another country

Amour, amor, amore

And it looks the same

But there’s something a little different in the way it spills from lips

Sail love across the sea

And it’ll drown in the waves

Time differences keep love awake

And love gets tired after time

And sometimes it doesn’t wake up at all

Send love in the mail

It’ll get lost

Write love in love letters

And the ink will bleed

Love is but a confusing thing

And I am so deeply sorry to say this

But the instructions are not included

Acrylic

You prefer my nails long and acrylic

Rather than the ones I was born with

Rather than the ones I can make music with

The ones that can hold down the notes on my six string acoustic guitar

The notes that carry all of my emotions with them like a traveler with luggage

But the acrylic nails are pretty

You like pretty

And I’m starting to wonder if you could hear the music at all

The Product of Backyard Football

I’ve never felt a pain more physical than heartbreak

I’ve had the air kicked out of me

While playing backyard football with the neighborhood kids

But it wasn’t at all comparable to laying in my bed at night

Rewinding all of our memories in my head like an old VHS tape

At least in my backyard the oxygen came back into my lungs

Why I Write #4

Sometimes poetry hits me

I get those ideas in my head

Like flowers that grow in my brain

Ones that bloom without enough space

But they can’t get out of my mouth

I don’t know why

I can’t talk about it

I just can’t

So the ideas run down my body

Through the blood in my veins

And as they arrive in my fingertips

They just want to break free

So I let them out

Write them down

Until there’s nothing left to say

And nothing more to write about

Then I feel empty

And full of such emotion at the same time

And that’s why I love poetry

It can make you feel everything

And nothing at the same time

Sculptor

I loved you endlessly

Submissively

You could’ve molded me into whatever you wanted me to be

And I would’ve lost myself

Just like that

Just to find you as in love with me

As I was in love with you

But it wasn’t you who was constructing me into someone else

I was doing it all on my own

Trying to forge myself into something that you would love

So much so that I don’t recognize who I am anymore

Shaky Hands

I hate my traitorous hands

These are the hands that opened the bottle

To shove the pills down my throat

I never imagined that I might have to stay

But these are the same shaky hands that dialed

The ambulance that came just in time

I guess I have to stay

Gunfire at Night

When I told you I love you

I gave you the power to kill me

It was as if I put a gun in your hands

Fully loaded

Hoping you wouldn’t kill me

But all you did was

Pull the trigger

And I’d be lying if I said

I didn’t sometimes miss the sound of gunfire at night